Plumber's Crack
by Zeff N Company
Summary: FtSKM. When Zack kills their toilet, Cloud can't decide who is harder to tell the truth to - his landlady, or the plumber at his doorstep.


_Originally written for the Strifehart Kink Meme last year._

_Prompt: "Anon would like to see Zack and Cloud as roommates with Leon as the supervisor/repairman called in when something breaks. Bonus points if Zack is the one who broke it. Double bonus points if Zack encourages Cloud to "distract" Leon so they don't have to admit that Zack broke it."_

_I remember when I wrote this, how much I had missed writing lighthearted stuff that made me chuckle (this one was inspired after re-reading the entire collection of Hitchhiker's Guide). Not to say I don't enjoy a good tear-jerker, but the books I've been reading these days have been a tad too gloom and doom to inspire a good laugh. That needs to change, I think._

* * *

><p>He decided he would have to lie. Or deny everything – still lying, but lying with a safety net. It wasn't too far of a leap to claim that it had been a child's doing. After all, living with Zack was like living with a two-year-old toddler.<p>

"What did you do, Zack?"

"It wasn't me!"

"Zack!"

"It was Tuna's fault! I thought he could handle it!"

"Damn it, Zack!" He shouted over the panicked protests. "The repairman will be here any minute now! I have no time for you to flail!"

For a half second, Zack stopped flailing and twiddled his thumbs instead. Cloud took a deep, calming breath that failed to do its duty.

"Alright, Zack," he started slowly, "if I'm going to come up with a good story, I'll need you to tell me why you flushed your socks, your best two ties and the rubber duck down the toilet."

Zack twiddled his thumbs some more.

"Zack …"

"Well … uh … see, what happened was that Lefty decided to swim for freedom and I was unable to stop him. So I sent his wife after him to make sure he was alright. She didn't report back to me, so I sent Mr. Tie after them to see what was taking so long. Then I sent Mr. Other Tie down to provide some backup and the necessary politeness to slap Lefty's wife until she came to her senses and all of them could go after Lefty and his suicidal rampage. But I didn't think either Tie caught all of that, so I sent Tuna down to make sure."

"… what?"

"I was drunk and it seemed like a great idea at the time."

And like that, lying sounded better and better.

And living with Zack was like living with a two-year-old toddler and a very large rum cake on a very low shelf.

Already, Zack was pleading him with the "please don't let our evil Nanny kill me" look in his eyes. Cloud decided he hated having morals.

"Zack, I can't push this all on Sora and Roxas from upstairs. They didn't do this."

"But Maleficent hates me!" Zack sputtered. "Her dog will eat me for breakfast! Have you seen the size of that thing?"

"Maybe if you didn't break something every two days, our landlady wouldn't need a reason to have her mastiff growl at you in the first place," Cloud countered.

"But – but she could make us leave!" Zack pointed out quickly. "We wouldn't be able to stay here anymore, and I like staying here."

Cloud had to admit, he liked staying here as well. It was a decent neighborhood they were in, all things considered, and their location was better than anyone could hope for – it didn't overheat, natural lighting and ventilation was good, the neighbors were friendly and didn't keep them up at night with noise. Besides, Pete was really a big old pussy cat that enjoyed having his ears scratched, except Zack didn't know that.

He didn't want to get anyone else in trouble, but he didn't want to leave either.

And then the doorbell rang. There was a squeaky "I'm not here!" and then Zack was out of sight. The only sign where he went was the slam of the closet door. Alone without a leg to stand on, Cloud took another deep breath and went to answer it.

When he had made the call, he had been answered by a coarse tongue and a hoarse voice that sounded like the guy went through several packs a day. He had been expecting a crusty old codger with a beer belly and a cigarette who swore like a sailor and scratched himself inappropriately in public.

When he opened the door, he was instead met with a man about his age, taller than him and ridiculously well-built – the kind that came as a result of constant heavy-lifting for construction. He was dressed sloppily in a tank top and a loose pair of cargo pants with a worn faded cap tilted over his eye and a fully stocked workman's belt hanging heavily from his hips, and a toolbox hung from his loose gloved grip. Everything he wore was too big for him and unflattering in every way. They made him look like a hard, honest worker instead of someone just dressed for the part.

Then the tall, dark and handsome stranger who must have just walked straight off a calendar asked in a perfectly bored tone, "You the guys with the busted loo?"

Cloud blinked.

The stranger blinked back.

"… …"

"… Well?"

"Oh, yeah." And Cloud opened the door wider, stepping aside to let him in. "You're Cid Highwind?"

"Cid's my father. My name's Leon."

He saw the halfhearted offer to shake hands and took it. "I'm Cloud."

"Right," Leon took his hand back, "now where's that crapper?"

"This way."

Cloud led him down the hallway, pass the room with the quivering closet, and straight to where their washroom was. He stopped at the door, then looked back up at their plumber. Their plumber looked back. Cloud breathed a sigh, turned the knob, waited for necessary dramatic pause, and then pulled the door free with a soft muted "pop".

And then what had to be a gallon of water gushed out and splashed every which way. Within, the porcelain demon continued to sputter and spew in rage for the horrible offense its mortal attendants had committed against it.

Leon stared blankly at the angry white bowl and uttered sagely, "G'dammit."

"… How bad is that?" Cloud dared himself to ask in a moment of hesitation.

"I can't tell you until I get the water shut off," Leon grumbled back, already stepping forth into the white leviathan's lair. "Why didn't you do that yourself earlier?"

"Well, the switches are all downstairs with the landlady, and we couldn't figure out which one it was without cutting off someone else's supply-"

Something squeaked softly under Leon's grip and the toilet gurgled into silence.

"… or we didn't think to check there, yeah."

Leon just grunted once and set the toolbox down on a still dry place before searching through his belt. "Looks like a blockage. I'll let you know how bad it is when I find out."

"Okay, sounds good."

"Any idea what could have caused it?" The plumber squatted before the silenced demon in great reverence for a better look at what he was dealing with.

"Well …"

And then all Cloud could see was the exposed area between the guy's shirt and his loose, shifting belt line.

"Yeah?"

Cloud couldn't answer. That was it – his whole world was suddenly that sight. He wasn't gay or anything, he was pretty sure of that, but this was one of those times he just had to stop and look.

And then a hand appeared within his view and snapped its fingers. "Hello? Eyes up here."

"Uh," he stuttered for a second, finally turning away from the view and trying very hard to keep it that way. "No. Not a clue."

Leon grunted and went back to work. "You can wait outside if you want. I'll need a minute."

"Yeah … okay."

Cloud felt himself like a smacked puppy as he retreated from the washroom and headed back down to where Zack had hidden himself. When he reached the doorway to Zack's room, he found his roommate had at last ventured from his pine-scented sanctuary for the sake of curiosity.

"Did he say how bad it was?" he asked. Cloud shook his head.

"He doesn't know yet."

Zack frowned. "He's lousy."

"Or maybe he would right now if I told him what you did," Cloud supplied defensively. Zack promptly backed down and raised his hands passively.

"Cloud?" Leon suddenly called from further down the hallway. Then he appeared at the entrance to the room with his toolbox back in hand. He paused and stared at Zack. Zack smiled back with absolutely no malice whatsoever and waved. Leon finally snorted and looked from him to Cloud. "I think I found the blockage, but I'll need to turn off the water there as well before I can break down the wall. You say the box is with the landlady?"

"Yeah," Cloud answered. "Just tell her we sent you."

"Mind the dog!" Zack supplied helpfully in the man's wake. In a moment Leon was gone again, leaving them their privacy to talk.

Cloud groaned. "Damn this, you know we'll have to tell him eventually."

"But what if he tells Maleficent? We'll be cooked!"

"I'd really rather just one person hate us instead of the whole damn building because we couldn't own up like men."

Outside, Leon could be heard breaking their wall with ominous claps of thunder.

"… Maybe the socks and ties will be completely unrecognizable after their trip."

"I'm sure miracles don't work that way."

The thunder stopped. The squeaking started. Then the squeaks were accompanied by a series of dark, growled curses that would make dear sweet Aerith from the third floor blush.

"You've gotta help me," Zack pleaded anew. "You owe me your life."

"Saving me from a pack of prepubescent paintball gunners doesn't count."

"I was soaked red through," Zack continued insistently. "I could have died."

"Except all of it was paint," Cloud deadpanned right back. "Which you got in my hair when you decided to hug me. It took me hours to get it all out."

Then quite suddenly there was only the silence.

Then Leon, for the first time, sounded actually amused as he declared, "… Well!"

Zack whimpered. Cloud glared.

"You can tell them, or I will."

Before Zack could come up with an intelligible answer, Leon reappeared at their doorway, a damp towel rubbing gunk off something in his hands.

"Most was garbage and a toy duck, but I found the main source of it," he supplied. Then he held that something out to them. "Does this belong to you?"

In his hand was a six inch, anatomically correct doll with long flowing silver hair.

Cloud's eyes bugged. "_Sephiroth_?"

"Our one-winged angel! You found him!" Zack cheered, his troubles momentarily forgotten as he snatched the doll back. "Thanks, man!"

Leon's eyes were a little wider than usual as he stared first down at his emptied hand, then up at Cloud. "I didn't see any wings on that thing."

"Not in the literal sense," Cloud stammered to explain. "You saw how he's got his bits and all, right?" When Leon nodded, he had to clear his throat. "If, uhm, if I say he's kind of aerodynamic, would you-?"

Leon's expression did not change as he looked pointedly at the doll's exposed groin. "… Ah."

"Yes."

"Huh."

Zack was beside himself welcoming the doll back into their life. Leon continued to be too distracted by the general sight of it as well as what he was trying to find on it for any further comments. For a brief second, it seemed they would actually dodge this one.

Except …

"So what should I tell your landlady?" Leon suddenly asked, looking away from the naked doll a little too easily. "She's curious to know what caused the problem in the first place."

Zack and Cloud froze at the same time and traded a wary glance. Then Zack seized the chance and pointed a finger at Cloud.

"Ask him."

"What?" Cloud sputtered. Then Leon was looked right at him again, and he found himself scrambling in panic. "No! I-!"

"That doll is obviously yours, isn't it?"

"Yes, but-"

"And the rest of that gunk looked like socks and ties, so-"

"I didn't-"

"And I notice it's only yours that got affected so badly."

"But-"

"I'd really hate to lie to a lady with a giant mastiff, you know."

"Stay out of this, Zack."

"He has a point, though."

"I do?"

"He doesn't!"

"He does."

"Just what do you want from me?"

"The truth. What is it?"

"You have a nice ass, that's what!"

And then everything silenced right there and then. Both Zack and Leon were staring at him with varying levels of shocked revelation in their faces. Cloud couldn't quite decide whether to slap a hand over his mouth or to whack it over his head. He hadn't meant that. At least, he hadn't meant to say it out loud. Ever. Now he needed to either leave and never come back or die quickly.

Then there was a huff of laughter, and the brunet was smirking. "Look all you want, but no touching until you take me out to dinner first."

Cloud was pretty sure he had died right there after all.

Looking away from him, Leon tapped his cap to Zack and the doll. "We'll be sending you the bill."

"Will do."

Shaking his head with that same amused smile still clinging to his face, Leon turned and walked out the door, the pipes waiting for him to put them back together again. Zack hummed thoughtfully.

"Do you think we're in the clear?"

"I don't care anymore," Cloud answered him flatly. Then his hand came up. "Just give me that thing."

"What? No way!" Zack protested. "We had a deal! He's mine!"

"Until the day you're careless with him," Cloud reminded him, easily swiping the doll from his grip. "And today just proved that you were. From now on, Sephiroth's my problem to deal with."

Zack seemed dismayed but did not argue. Instead, he supplied sourly, "I wonder what your new boyfriend will think of you grappling with six inches of plastic."

"At least I'd know he won't get offended and try to remove the other ball."

Zack sulked. "… That was low."

Cloud turned away from him, holding Sephiroth horizontally with the doll's arms stretched to its sides in an "airplane" pose, and he walked them both to his room without looking back.

"… Hey!" Leon suddenly called again from out in the hallway. "You guys want the duck back, too?"

At once Zack forgot the doll in favor of running after Tuna. "Yes, please!"


End file.
